raramomtoo3

Well my dear friends here we are again.  I hope your Thursday is going well for you.  I have just returned from the doctor’s office.  Today visit is the staph infection doctor.  The doctor said it was looking good to keep packing it every day and I come back in three weeks.  Tomorrow I am going to the broken foot doctor.  I sure hope it goes this smoothly but I am not holding my breath.   So my day is so far going smoothly until my oldest daughter gets home.  She broke on the few heaters we own.  The children spent the afternoon yesterday fighting with each other.  They fought about how the others weren’t doing anything.  So my oldest threw a candle at my son’s head.  So he got a knot on the head.  So she got in trouble for that.  Then she yelled that she hated us because we only ground her.  We sent her to her room.  I am assuming at this point she decided to either step on the heater or kicks the heater.  So the grill is dented in and one of the elements is broking.  So she is grounded for three weeks and she doesn’t even know it yet.  So I am gearing up for a war.  My daughter is the smartest, beautiful, and loving except when she gets mad.  When she gets made she can’t control her temper and we have several knock down drag out fights.  So as I type this my stomach is hurting and I am dreading them coming home.  I hate to punish the children.  I am a wimp and soft hearted.  Now don’t get me wrong when they say “I hate you” I get angry.  I know they are only saying it to hurt and that makes me mad.  These children are the reason I get up, go to work, and go to sleep to do it again the next day.  I love them more than anyone else can or will.  So when they are just trying to hit me where it hurts I am scarred every time.  So like I said she will come in here like a woman scorned.  To be honest my depression and other mental health can’t take anymore fighting.  So I hope the “mommy” angels will be with me and keep me strong.  I can’t allow her to do this kind of thing.  If I don’t stop it now she will grow up and think this crap is ok.  My worst thing she does is threaten to kill herself.  As she said yesterday “I hope I die so I won’t be the oldest”.  She knows that death breaks my heart.  After losing my nineteen year old brother this is one of my greatest fears.  I couldn’t live if I lost one of my children.  I am so proud of my mom because every day whether or not she is having a good day she gets up and faces another day without my brother.  I know I am not that strong.  So on top of fighting and yelling I will have to harden my heart to keep her from crushing it again and again.  So on this note my dear readers I will let you go so I can get into tough mommy mode even though my heart is breaking and my soul will be crying.  I pray the “family” angels will gather around our family today and get through days one at a time.

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